I Am 50+2...and I Know Better Now

Six more days before I turn 52 and I’m amazed that it’s been two years since I celebrated my half-century anniversary. Two years ago, I have to admit, I dreaded going over that proverbial hill. Today, however, I think I’ve gotten more comfortable with the thought of becoming a bonafide card-carrying member of the AARP. Funny thing is, I don’t feel the slightest bit as old as I thought the fifty-somethings were back when I was in my 20s. Back then, though, I was clueless and thought that being fifty was all about getting old. I just didn’t know any better. Today at 52, I have amassed a wealth of self-knowledge and can say with conviction that I know so much better now than I ever did.

I embrace whatever has happened in my life, both the good and the bad, as blessings. Fifty years worth of experiences have molded me into the wiser, more insightful and seasoned woman that I am today. All the people and places I have encountered in my travels and day-to-day life all taught me some invaluable lessons that one can only get from experience. In the 80s, I did a lot of travelling, In the 90s, I settled down, got married, went back to school to study Broadcasting and TV Journalism. While I can say that I have been happy for most of my life, it has not been without its share of blunders, pitfalls, heartaches and disappointments. Yes, it has been a roller-coaster life but it’s taught me to trust that things don’t stay down forever. Eventually, you do get to come up for air. I have dealt with career ups and downs but, you know what, it eventually led me to the niche where I’m at and truly belong. I have had to deal with illnesses, both of my own and those of my loved ones, but those were the times when I felt truly closest to God; when I heard Him calling me to slow down and take time out to renew my ties with Him. I’ve gone through a failed marriage and family estrangements but those rifts actually served to strengthen my bond with my husband and family once the issues were resolved. I have had my heart badly broken but I was also blessed to have known how incredible it is to be loved by and fall deeply in love with a soulmate. And for every disappointment, every mistake I've made, there was always a lesson to be learned. When you’re twenty, you just think that it’s the end of the world. But when you’re 52, you know better.

I know better now than to define myself in numbers and letters. I am not my age, or my weight, or how many dollar signs I’m worth or the letters attached to my title. I am secure in being plain old me wearing many hats in my life --- that of a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a wife, a colleague, a mentor, a friend, a lover, a caregiver ---
and knowing that I’ve played my roles well gives me a sense of fulfillment. Today, I am enjoying my life more than I ever did. Gone are the insecurities of youth. I am more relaxed and more confident to express myself in however way I want to. I go to latin dance classes, sewing class, scrapbooking class ... I am looking forward to a lot more zestful years of doing things I love to do and being of service to those who can benefit from my help. After years of unsuccessfully trying to have kids, I've made peace with the reality that motherhood is not part of God's plan for me. Today, I find myself playing surrogate mother to my adolescent patients who are lost, hopeless and helpless and I am grateful that all my years of experience somehow help me to show them that things don’t stay down forever…that eventually, they will get to come up for air; that later in life they will know better. (Now let me go back to my cleanse-tone-and-moisturize routine.)