this is the time when present and past becomes one

I cannot help but shed tears as Ate’s (Teresa Parian) assistant gave me a copy of our California itinerary via Northwest Airlines. She finished all our travel arrangement before my mother’s memorial service this Saturday. This trip costs much of my family’s income. A chunk of me feels terribly guilty for the expenses they will shoulder so they can grant my request from them. Plus the fact that in order to be with you, Ditse, Victoria has to fly with me. And I bet you understand what that means, a disruption in her personal/business activities. The amount is nothing compared to the amount that is asked by the SLNAF to mount the Daughters of Nightingales 30 years celebration of friendships and fellowship. My room has a small terrace that opens to the sky and, as always, I asked Heaven if I were not being selfish; if my decision to go is right. Did I get my answers? Yes, I know the world can go on turning without me. Yes, I know that you can always mount reunions anytime for you are all there; and all healthy. But I am not. My tomorrows is as tentative as today. Time has been kind to me, already, and holding it back is not there anymore. I gave Ate all my jewelry that my mother has given me (my mother was a very wise woman she has invested pretty well for us) as some sort of payment for the trip and others but she returns it to me.

When Josh Groban held a concert here, I told Ate I wanted to go, even just the bleacher section. I am a big fan of Josh. The bleacher chairs cost 5,000.00 Php. Can you imagine that? It is the section where you can just see the person as a dot already. Ate was willing to get me a ticket but no more tickets left. The primary chairs cost Php 25,000.00 to 10, 000.00. Sponsored chairs costs more. (Php 50,000.00) The bleacher chair by dollar rates now cost about $125.00 just for a night. The CD was just as fine. Though regrettable feelings stays with me for I know I will never have the chance to watch Josh perform live. I like concerts, plays, musicals. When I was still strong then, after work I go to Paco Park on their concert series days for that is the only place in Pinas where they held concerts for free. This is a long entry already. What I am saying here is my family has taught me, “ang pera madaling kitain basta masipag , tapat at hindi takot sa trabaho.”I understand financial obligations to family, children and basic needs. It is not joke!

Cynthia lifted my spirit. I like your attitude Cynthia. "this is just once in a lifetime event". And she is ready to shed some of her money." My family is funding my trip. They understand what it means to me. As my ate always says to us, the reason why we travel if we have budget, "kailan pa daw niya e-enjoy ang buhay, ang travel kung kailan uugod-ugod na siya?" Teresa has been blessed with travels as part of her job so she shares that travels to us, specially to me for I am their sickie sister. Yes, I am going. Yes, I am willing to blow my family’s money for me for they know what this reunion with you means to me.

My basic premise is when will I have the chance to smell the flowers? Will I be able to smell the flowers if I were in the coffin already? I'd rather smell the flowers while I can and have senses or still alive. I’d rather see your smiling faces, and hear your voices now. Yes, my situation is entirely different from you. You are all healthy, you are all hardworking, you are all providing for your family (and they always come first I agree with all of you on that) . But opportunity disappears; and may not come back again. I don't like regrets. And my family does not like regrets, too. I don't like..."if only".....I prefer this is my moment, this is my now. This is the time when my past and my present becomes one. Give me this moment, this precious chance. I'll gather up my past and make some sense at last!